The First Weigh-In

Man cannot remake himself without suffering for he is both the marble and the sculptor – Alexis Carrel

I had my first official weigh-in last Friday.  The weekend before, I had quite the rollercoaster ride when it came to weighing in.  My friend’s scale had informed me I was down 4lbs.  I was fine with that.  4lbs in a week is pretty good!  Then later that day, we went to the gym, and I decided to weigh myself there, since that was the original scale.  It told me I was down 11lbs.  That had to be a mistake, right?  I was told the scale wasn’t broken, so to celebrate.  I played it down; I was still hesitant.  Maybe it’s the cynical part of me.  The next day I was weighed again.  This time, the scale said I had barely lost 2lbs.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THAT?

Even if I hadn’t lost 11lbs, I was still proud of my 4lbs, and then to only have lost 2?  With all my hard work, and newly restrictive diet?  I cut out beer for this.  And in case you don’t appreciate what that means, January 18, I participated in an original one act festival.  I had been living and breathing theatre in m waking and non-waking hours for weeks.  We always have an after-party where we celebrate our shared successes.  I drank celebratory water.  AND I STILL ONLY LOST 2 DANG POUNDS!

It felt awful.  Absolutely awful.  I deserved more.  My aching muscles and empty tummy deserved more.  But 2 is all I got.

I tried to put it out of my head.  After all, those scales were digital.  Perhaps this is SkyNet’s first move.  Making fat people feel bad about themselves (more than they do, obvi).  At my Friday weigh-in at Simply for Life, they had an old-timey scale.  No batteries included.  No room for SkyNet.

This was a week after the 2lbs fiasco.  I’ve got to have something more to show for myself, right?  I step on the scale all full of hopes and dreams, and I’ve lost 5lbs.  To clarify, that’s 5 lbs from my original weigh-in when the whole thing started.  Not 5+2.  I was disappointed.  They said I was too hard on myself, and maybe that’s true.  Maybe I was brought up in a culture of no matter what you do, you can always do better, and now as an adult, that’s ingrained in everything I do.  I still didn’t feel like it made sense.  I haven’t had a single chip, or m&m, or chocolate covered almond.  I had been sweating, and reaching, and hurting, and I felt again that I deserved more.

So I’m down 5lbs.  I wonder how I’d feel if I didn’t have that wispy dream of 11lbs slip through my fingers.  If I’d feel more proud of myself.  And I am proud, but there is still that niggling “I wish”. But all I can do is continue.

And this week is hard.

We’re in our third week of the challenge.  For two weeks I’ve been eating clean.  And it’s been hard (see restaurant paragraph).  I miss what I used to have.  I wish there was a way we could “indulge” without calling it a “cheat”.  I’m going to a bon voyage party on Friday at a bar.  I’ll be the one drinking water.  Sometimes these restrictions feel like they’re separating me from society even more than being fat was.  Bring your own lunch to an office party.  Don’t partake in the birthday cake.  We’ve got to be able to interact with social activities such as eating out without negating all the hard work we’re putting in.  Can’t that be a thing?

I sound whiney, I know (but I did warn you about that).  Perhaps next week won’t be so difficult, but this week I’m dreaming of bread, chocolate pies, and chicken burgers.  And guess what celebratory days fall in this 12 week challenge?  Valentine’s Day and Easter.

Thank you to those who are so, so encouraging.  My battle is no longer with weights, and sore muscles, but with food expectation vs. reality.   And my mind won’t shut up about all I’ve left behind.  Training the body is easy compared to training the mind.

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2 Comments

  1. Hang in there Kim – I know it’s hard. I’m on the same road – I keep thinking of what I shouldn’t be eating. I’m rooting for you!!!

  2. ❤ you. Sorry it's such a mind-f*ck.


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