History Channel’s The Bible: Hope

Television: A medium – so called because it is neither rare nor well done. – Ernie Kovacs

This week’s episode of The Bible (“Hope”) was so bad, I’m deviating from my normal chapter and verse.  Here’s just some point form things they got terribly wrong.  Then, if you make it all the way through, you’ll be introduced to The Bible drinking game!

In no particular order:

  • Where the deuce is Esther?
  • Only a cursory mention of Isaiah.
  • What about the struggles of the Maccabees?  Did you know they met Alexander the Great?
  • Jeremiah wasn’t the last prophet before the 500 years of silence as was implied.
  • Joseph and Mary didn’t leave Galilee because it was “them against the world”.  They had to return to the place of Joseph’s birth for a census.
  • The Magi didn’t come immediately after the birth of Jesus.
  • John the Baptist was in jail for a good long time before his beheading.  And he was beheaded on the whim of Antipas’ step-daughter.
  • Why does the angels have to remove their hood before they say something über serious?  They are the Horatio Caines of The Bible.
  • Why did Satan look like Darth Maul?  The only time I’ve ever seen a true representation (that of being pretty, etc.) is in Xena.  You hear that The Bible?  Xena got it right, and you didn’t.
  • Jesus gives Dawson face.
  • Why was there sumo wrestling?

Without further ado:

History Channel’s The Bible Drinking Game

Take a shot if:

  • The action goes to slo-mo
  • Keith David narrates unnecessarily
  • Someone getting stabbed sounds like jello squishing
  • A character switches race from young actor to old actor
  • The action is interrupted by terrible commercial break placement

Chug if:

  • It glosses over an important female character
  • You notice a deviation from the actual narrative.

I’d like to close with this song.  I thought of it every time I saw King Herod (Antipas – not the guy who got eaten by worms).

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