Single Ladies

If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. -Beyonce

I’m single. Turning 30 in mere minutes, and am still single. If I’m being honest, I’d have to admit I never thought I’d be in this “state”.

Damn my hubris.

A lot of people like to blame other people or things for their problems, but I fail to see this as a problem. And what’s to blame? I’m ornery, incorrigible, set in my ways, and frankly, I’m not usually what society sees as attractive. That’s not to say how I see myself, fret not, but it is a hurtle to finding a mate – for however long it lasts.

Despite what society wants us all to think, I’m quite content in my relationship solitude, and I have some things to say to all you naysayers.

What follows is my Single Lady Declaration.

1. I’m happy.
2. Yes, I would like to be set up with your single friends, but don’t just set me up with your fat friend because you think fatties belong together. If he’s kind, funny, intelligent, give him my number. If our size is the only thing we have in common, I’m going to revoke certain friendship privileges.
3. I am happy you’re happily married/engaged/have a boyfriend (or girlfriend), but after the 5th “I love my hunny” status on Facebook, I’m going to remove you from my Timeline. Also, and I know it’s nit-picky, but it’s spelled “honey”.
4. You may think my biological clock is ticking, but please don’t reassure me there’s still time to procreate. I unplugged that clock a long time ago. I am not a breeder.
5. Stop recounting anecdotes about people who found love late in life. Good for them.
6. I will watch the occasional rom-com, but be prepared for snorts of derision. There is a minuscule part of me that would love a handsome man to sweep me in his sturdy arms and hold me against his broad chest while he whispers he loves me after we’ve overcome ridiculously dire circumstances, but most of me is wondering how the actors do it with a straight face.
7. When I tell you I ate out alone, or went to a movie alone, please don’t bemoan that fact “on my behalf”. I quite enjoy sitting by myself and getting immersed in the cinema, or novel while I’m eating.
8. Don’t expect me to go wedding paraphernalia shopping with you. It has nothing to do with the fact I am feeling left out of the whole marriage thing and everything to do with the fact that I HATE SHOPPING.
9. Don’t forget things are more difficult when you are single. These include, but are not limited to:
-vacation packages
-family reunions (a person might be president of a theatre company and a semi-accomplished playwright, but if they don’t have a spouse, they are to be pitied)
10. I might not be a fan of Beyonce’s as a whole, but Single Ladies is in my playlist and when it comes out, I will rock it. Loud and proud.

If in 10 years I find myself still rocking these declarations, I will consider my life just as full and pleasing as those of you who have found other ways to bring fulfillment into your lives.


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